Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

You are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, the best bits of his Saturday morning show on BBC Radio Wales. Rhod was ill this week. So, it was me, Gareth Gwynn, joined by Lloyd Langford.

How are you, Lloyd? / I'm good, thank you. Better than Rhod is. / Better than Rhod. That's it. I'm afraid Rhod is, uh ... Rhod is unwell. Uh ... we got the call yesterday, didn't we, saying he wasn't feeling too good. / Yes. / Um ... he's actually sent us a message this morning, updating us on his position, to say, "You'll be glad to hear, I'm worse today, so, us coming / not a wasted journey / 「いい知らせだ。オレの病状は悪化している。」 ... だから今日我々が来たのは無駄足ではないというわけだ。 / OK. And ... what's the matter with him? / Well, I understand he's got a ... he's got a cold or flu / Oh. / the description of it that I ... that I heard, uh, from ... from his wife was that, um, he's ... he's ill. He's / he's in Swansea, / yeah, / like, uh, sort of / Is that affecting the illness? / I don't think that's ... I don't think that's anything to do with the illness. Uh ... / Kind of __ __ / he's stuck in a room with a ... with a dog, and I don't think / dog is / sympathetic beast / that wants to go for a walk, and / Rhod __ definitely doesn't. Um ... so, yes, / __ __ I hear / Rhod's ill / It's like that, uh / p__ way / have to cross a river with a fox and a chicken and a bag of corn, except he's stuck in a room, ill, with a dog / With just a dog. Yeah, just a ... um, yeah, that's it __ __ actually / a really long lead / just, sort of, / hang / it out of the window / I / that is only / only option.

Gareth Gwynn and Lloyd Langford, standing in, uh, for __ Rhod Gilbert, although already ... already, on the text and email, uh, word __ that __ __ Rhod __ing around, apparently. / Yes. Rhod has been spotted, allegedly in Swansea. So, um ... if you do see him in Swansea, please wrestle him to the ground and get him to Cardiff. / But ... / ... because ... / ... but protect your mouth in case he ... he is still a little bit ... / He's germy, yeah. He's ... he's germy. / __ __ be honest / phone call saying, uh ... "I think Rhod is shamming / what a use of language / ... I mean, / Thomas / that is incredible. Uh ... they ... they suspect / shamming / they've seen him out walking with his dog in Swansea / I mean, I ... I don't think this is the case. I ... I believe that Rhod is ill. / Was he wearing a ridiculous hat? / Yeah, that's ... I was gonna say, if / not just any man with a dog / any man with a dog with a ridiculous hat, is the base level that we will accept, uh, for a witness of Rhod in this case. / そう。犬を連れているってだけじゃなくて、アホみたいな帽子をかぶった、犬を連れた男。それがロッド目撃証言として扱われるための最低条件。 / rhod@bbc.co.uk / seem __ slightly __ __ __ only email address to g__ him out in some way. Um ... and, anything else / wish to get in touch / about / we've got plenty going on / the show / talk / the fact / year today / into my new house / Oh. OK. / quite exciting ... and I feel now, __ any box which I have not yet unpacked ... I mean, re ... should I just get rid of __ now? Is that ... because I / almost ceremonial role. / How many unopened boxes do you have? / I think there's definitely one. / Right. / I think there's definitely one / I'm willing to __ / cupboard under the stairs __ __ __ __ things on moving day / just gone, "Open __ __ __ and it's fine. / I think you should, maybe, bury it in the garden as a time capsule. / 引越し後にいつまでも開けてない箱があったら、庭に埋めるといい。タイムカプセルとして。 / OK, yeah, that ... / In 20 years' time, you can back and / get / there is an element of / some things have gone missing during the house move ... uh ... / like, we've lost some photographs / how / in there / but, uh ... yes, in ... in a year / anything that we've / we haven't / I think is probably just lost / we've lost ... we've lost some photographs ... / Right. / ... uh, during the move. And my mom ... / Incriminating? / やばい写真か？ / not in particular. They are up in the old house / my mom h__ bought me some photograph frames ... / Right. / ... __ the new house, uh ... and, so, we need fill / you don't have ... 'case / printed photos / that's a, sort of, dying art form, isn't it? Printed photography. / So, what my girlfriend did / we / space for five / Oh, yeah, OK. / so, she put in / photo of us, / yeah / a photo of her family / yeah / a photo of Gordon Brown she cut out of the paper to just ... to just fill the gap, ... a satirical cartoon of a banker, / OK / and a photo of her family at the end / yeah / only as a temporary __ / I think / gonna stick around / I like the idea of that. It's a sort of collage of ... I was gonna say, interest. But / No. It / literally / what __ in The Week magazine / had someone / coming / we can't just leave it like this / I may have a contender for, uh, a new picture for your phtograph frame. / If you have ... I mean, they're all up for grab__ / photo / family / very good / replace that one / go for it. / This is in today's Daily Mirror, and, uh, it's a quater-page photograph, uh, of, uh, Catherine Zeta-Jones / Yeah. OK. / and , uh, it's an article about how she's looking smoother than ever. / That is ... that __ actually the minimum requirement for the photos / she is very ... almost like a billiard ball. Uh ... "Catherine Zeta-Jones looks more smooth than ever at an award dinner this week. / Has she __ed her hair / she's still got hair / something / don't / M__ hoping to find __ / completely bold / Catherine Zeta-Jones / no / the Welsh actress, 45 / seemed to have forgotten all her lines in New York. / What? As in her lines in a play / (line: 1: セリフ 2: しわ) / her lines in a play? / it's a cheaky joke about the flatness of the surface of / how many reasons / be proud of her / it's like, uh ... / (East Anglia) / Holland / famously flat place__ / uh ... great / I don't ... I don't know what she's done. But, uh, I mean, even __ __ should be / you're really taken / photo / you can't take your eyes off it / insinuate that she is a vampire? I don't know. Um ... but, yeah, it's ... it's news, apparently.

Now, there's a little bit of a scandal early on in the show, 'cause / had / Rhod's not ill. I / wondering around / Swansea with his dog. Uh, I said, "I find it very hard to believe, he sounded quite ill / from all the stories I heard / No. I've had another look. Not him." So ... / よく見たら人違いでした。 / uh ... this is ... this / I feel like __ __ let down the BBC standard for journalism here by trusting a / 一人の証言を鵜呑みにしたことは BBC として恥ずかしい / single call. Uh, thank you very much for correcting us / very kind of you. Uh ... should we have / look / text and email / coming in / Amanda in B__ / very / Lloyd / cheaky Lloyd, you never ask a lady her age." Uh, this is after, um, uh ... Amanda / text / I'm sure I used to be older than / not / Jenkins / Jones / sorry, sorry sorry sorry. / she's __ __ Jenkins is a woman with a really wrinckly face / sort of, like / M__ today / they are just going on and on and on / about Catherine __ Jones's remarkably / Amanda, I ... I'm sorry, but you brought up the issue of your age and / its relation / Catherine / I was merely trying to gather how many years you thought Catherine / Mirror / taken off / Well, apparently / a year older than __ / that's not / that's just / press release / that's what's gone wrong there. Uh, thank you very much for getting back in touch with us / hello to, uh, __, who claims / Rhod Gilbert / that one / true either / that's definitely not true because, um, he doesn't / really / does he not? / like / what do they call them? ... g__ / gets whacked in the, uh, / some sort of monster / hello to / hello / this one from Sarah, "Hello, Lloyd. Did you enjoy / in Soho a few weeks ago. It was lovely to meet you / Sarah / I love this qualification / Sarah / the embarrassing mom" ... What's that about? / Um ... I was in a restaurant, just, uh, having some dinner, and, uh, there was a lady, sat in the table opposite, and she / came over / and said / huh, nice to meet you", and ... and ... I ... I didn't realize she paid attention to / exactly I was eating, um ... but she was there with her son, and I think she wanted to come over / say hello, and her son said, "Don't do that" / no, I'm gonna do it anyway / but it was fine / service / not as embarrassing as / when she started / picking out / m__ / out of my bowl / eating / that's a step too far / thank you very much for the text / keep out / Gareth / Lloyd Langford, standing in for p__y Rhod Gilbert at the moment / another text / 8 10 12 / Rhod's not ill / I've just seen him chasing __s behind a shop in __ Cross, Pembrokeshire" Uh, again, not convinced / myself / fact / posty Kev / story behind that? / I don't know / look knackered / thank / very much / posty Kev / who else have we got? ... Oh, / so, uh, / we have an English springer spaniel called Sherlock" Oh, this is in response to __ __ __ most unusual pet name / set up earlier / English springer spaniel / could you say / Sherlock, go get your lead / __ __'s house / and ... that's / I presume / outsourcing problems to Radio Wales / later on / the show / telling the dog to go to bed / so, / go get your lead / runs the bath for my wife Lynda / What? / yeah / let's ... let's __ __ over this / dog / dog / runs the bath for my wife Lynda. ... Now ... a dog __ __ on tap / no good if you / plug in / like, this is a two-step operation. / How does he ... maybe it's / one of those big / you know / big handle / something f__ly, is it? / if it's a dog. But that's great work / well done / yesterday my mom said to me / what / new trick that, um, Bill, our dog, does / and she got a Tetra Pak milk container ... an empty one, / hang on / I can't manage these ... whatever / this dog / impressed / little screw lid, you know, like / pouring / milk container / it was empty / and she filled it full with dog biscuits, and then / screw / lid back on / I expected the dog to be able to unscrew the lid / what he actually does / tear the milk container to shreds / is the dog congratulated for doing this? / there was a blizzard of Tetra Pak all over the living room, and I was like "I thought he was just gonna unscrew it." And she was like / he doesn't / little plastic lit / figure out how to get the biscuits out / in frustration he just teared / into / that's not really / not really a trick, is it? / not / sealed container might contain biscuits / you / everything in your house to be destroyed. / Yeah. I'll ... I'll tell my mom that. / Yeah. Um ... yeah, so, dog names or foolish tricks that you'v taught your dog.

This is / Rhod Gilbert show without Rhod Gilbert / my name is Gareth Gwynn / joined / not feeling too good / Yeah. It's like, uh, we are the B-team / sometimes / to see a show / David T__ / he's not there / like, T__ M__ / understudies for ... for Rhod Gilbert. I'm fine / absolutely fine with that / really / yes / in touch on 8-10-12 / you can email / rhod / bbc.co.uk / looking at now because / got / email / in the week / it says / dear Rhod / optimistic on his / as an opening / listen / this story from __ __ / be considered for / non-story of the week / Shrewsbury traffic delays after broken down bus blocks road / what I love / second sentence / just a headline / this morning / the bus broke down at A / 91, and it was later removed / but / he's emailed again / during the show / dear Rhod substitutes / ロッドの穴埋めをしている方々へ / updated / attention / emailed / for nomination for non-story of the week / regarding a bus breaking / later / removed / like to withdraw this nomination / cannot compete with / bin __ __ fire __ __

We've got a bit of an update / how does a dog operate a bath / situation / operator / his dog can run a bath for his wife / situation / Britain's Got Talent, D__ / stop hiding this phenomeon from the rest of / British public / this raised / so many questions / come back ... back in touch / have them push-handle / on / just pushes it with his nose. I teach him all these tricks while __ wife is away with her lover. / 私はこういった芸を犬に仕込んでいるのです。妻が愛人と遊んでいる間に。 / so / pleased / you're using all that time constructively / 時間の有効活用だね。 / measure the temperature of the water? I mean / elbow / do / baby / check / temperature / just fill the bathtub up with / freezing cold or boiling hot water / I don't ... / 'cause dogs don't like bath __ __ best of times / like to get in a bath / dog / gone, "That's my kind of a bath" / yeah, I love that. Uh ... / biscuit / we read / email / quickly just go through / came / in / week / when I was / 80's, I met a young man in London / very nice and quiet / I / noticed, every time he / under / street / そいつが街灯の下を通ると、街灯が消えるのです / back on again when he walked on / 歩き去ると、また点灯するのです / What? / there's more / OK / to him, and he just sadly replied, "Yeah. That always happens to me." ... We didn't talk about this again / most unbelievable / OK / please, can you ask your / ever seen / does / ever since / no one believes me / may(be) / same phenomenon with ovens and turkey tray dinners / and she has attached / newpaper / letter to the newspaper / someone complaining / oven / oven doesn't work, but every other meal cooks perfetly. / thinks / related incident. / Really? / uh / I can't imagine. Maybe / that gentleman friend of hers had been struck by lightning / have ... have a after-effect / It does have all the hallmarks of a, uh, Hollywood blockbuster film. Yeah, this is superhero territory, isn't it? / someone who / maybe / a lot of man-made fibers / and / generated / interfering with the ... / __ __ / with the national grid / happens to me / resigned / I guess / yeah / this is / electric / you never ... you never / watch / telly / get close enough / change / channel / incredible letter / email / I would love it if someone else got in contact / I did a gig once in / a Christian college / I was told not to make any references to religion whatsoever ... / right / during the gig / I think, because I'm not christened, none of the automatic doors worked for me. / とあるキリスト教系の学校に呼ばれて、ライブをしに行ったんだけど、自動ドアがね、ボクのときだけ開かないんだよ。ボクは洗礼を受けていないから。 / so, I couldn't get into the building. And I saw Christian students use __ automatic doors, and / I / it didn't work / my friend had to walk with me around the building / I / quick christening / outside / クイック洗礼とかあればいいのにね。ゲスト用に。 / in order to get you in. ... That's incredible / didn't / saw straight through you / 君は存在しないも同然だったんだね / non-believer / in automatic doors, but / 不信心者だからね。自動ドアのことは信じてたけど、それだけでは不十分だったようだ。/ for a moment

so, in regards / street lamp / story / believe / to say that she met a man / university / every / street / flickered / went out / lamp / past a window / it goes dark. Not sure that helps. / uh, cheers / that's / I should have mentioned that, uh, / Radio Wales / have tweeted / want to know / creepiest way / this question I could think of / anything / I think we need to / put a cap on the number of / postmen contacting the show / 番組に参加する郵便配達夫の人数を制限する必要がある / own method of communication / what / everytime / light / I just think they don't want to see you / 単に嫌われてるだけだよ。 / I can hear the television playing / we've / someone who / I'm an electrician / thank you very much for that. Uh ... we've also had a text / relating to whether or not / just s__ing everyone / having a cheaky day-off / a bloke / washing / is this / Gilbert / I very much doubt it. / He's doing well / いい稼ぎをしてるから、副業で洗濯機の交換とかはしていないと思うけど... / he doesn't need to / washing / on the side / notoriously / not a fan of washing mashines / that is well known / unless he repeatedly kicked / and left, I don't think / was / well, thank you very much / updates / think / I think / an hour on / C__ __ J__ / good going / funny dog names / called Kevin / I like that / who else have we got / S__ / who are on their way to / Welsh / Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie." Really? Apparently so. I don't know if / need a sirname / 苗字まで付けなくてもいいのに / shout out in the park / really / crime fiction

have / story about someone who / university / light flicker / チカチカする？ 完全に消えるんじゃなかった？ チカチカするだけなら、単に行政の責任だ。 / flicker or go off / let me find / most / how often it / it went off and then back on again / pretty definitive / couple of messages / some I think more serious than others / I'm not sure / correctly / type / as I got close / but / last night / ice cube / gone / replaced by clear liquid / thank you very much for that / this one / Andy / Swansea / I knew a skater named / __ or __ / I'm not sure / right / hanging out with / one of the lads / coming / progress along / lamp by lamp behind / they went out? / it seems to be, yeah. / poor guy / very risky / 'cause you / always / skating in dark / presumably that was it / it sounds like one of those kind of / plausible / every now and again there'll be, like, a child in Russia that is magnetic / oh, I love those guys / metal / 金属を食べる人とか / one of those, like, / little kid / and / you know / spoons stuck to his head / who never loses his keys / 鍵を失くさないから便利だって / sort of pseudo science, I guess / but / it does seem / happens / people / so, why / but, yeah, it's, uh ... thank you very much to Andy for / and also / we / had / incredible / how old / C__ __ J__ / Louisa Harris / nine / this is brilliant / is 45, as my mom went to school with her / year above. There / absolutely no room for ambiguity in that / Amanda was / earlier on / telling / tale / horrible thing about this is that / at the end of / one of our listeners are lier / doing that / that's not the Radio Wales way.

funny dog / pronounced that / yeah, it is / syllable / stuff / unless / sort of, inter-breeding dogs, aren't they? / new breeds / cross between a ch__ / I think / best part of / we've learned today / good / something / in the end / wow ... so, good / he made fun of me / yeah / actually / "g" as a hard "g"? Yeah, that's ridiculous. / Um / never seems / ages / hands underneath / until it works / 洗面所で手をかざすと水が出てくるのがあるでしょ。私の場合、いつまでも出てこない。 / I think James's a ghost / this is / that film / someone / Well, / by now / I think that's fair enough / hello, Lloyd, Gareth / let you now / fish tank / home to two turtles / monkey / relate / this is from / hello to my girlfriend / ferret / pronounce it / thank you, thank you very much / who said / thank / very / you've got a story there, haven't you? / this is from / a French court has ordered / parents can't call their child / Nutella / ... I think I'm with the court on this / これは、裁判所に同感だな。 / the judge ruled / make / target of / european thing in the world, though, Nutella / adverts / no / can / any one of the 30 languages / sold / the judge ordered that the child be called / instead / a step too far / let them call her Nutella, then / different name, you know / rather than / clearly you can't do it yourself / I'm going to do it for you / 行き過ぎじゃない？ / おまえらには自分の子供に名前をつける能力がないようだから、オレが代わりにつけてやる、ってことか。 / what / mean / what's the knock-on effect? / several cases / names / since / normally, parents / freedom / in France / couple / prevented / Strawberry / took legal action / against / stop / his / daughter / felt / become a figure of fun / any more, are they? / anyone / I think / in that battle / and / __ and __ R__ / fend off / legal action / daughter / too much / another / clearly got / I've got / there are some lists here of acceptable and unacceptable names / ここに、つけていい名前と悪い名前のリストがある。 / ad hoc quiz / Go for it / which / iceland / I know / very strick about names / this before. So, go on. / Elvis or Carolina / I can't see anything wrong with / say / is fine / Elvis / both both are fine / no / you are not allowed to call your child / OK / think / list of names / happy / carry on / like / I think they / thing / traditional / stick around / like "Elvis" ? / flatly OK. / yes / New Zealand / which of these / unacceptable / "No.16 bus shelter" / ニュージーランドでは子供を「第16バス待合所」と呼んでいいそうだ。ただし、すでに「第16バス待合所」という名前の子供がいる場合は、新しい子供には「第17バス待合所」と付けざるを得ない。 / think / is ... is the sillier of the two / legally call your child / bus / maybe ... if there's already / have / incremented all the way up / parents / waiting / for a long time / came along / Germany / call / I'm gonna say / is this an either-or, with one OK one not? / fine / around / dear / and / call / M__'s fine / Sweden / not / between Metalica and ... I'll spell it / B ... LLLMMNPRQ ... bb11116 / I was with you up to the numbers. Uh ... / お誕生日カードに何て書こうか。「おめでとう、... ちゃん」 / they wouldn't / unless that / some reason / there / case over that / banned / Metalica, though / fine / names / call your child "Akuma" in Japan / which means "devil" / 日本では「悪魔」が却下された。 / allowed / names allowed in India include / incredibly bushy eyebrows / something / great. That's / I don't think anyone won.

If you / days / BBC / catch Rhod live / Saturdays / on BBC Radio Wales.